Fun

<body topmargin=0 leftmargin=0 marginheight=0 marginwidth=0> <table cellpadding=0 cellspacing=0 border=0 height="100%"><tr> <td valign="top" width=200 BGCOLOR="#FFFFFF" TEXT="#080000" background="097d2c03.jpg"> <bR> <bR> <bR> <bR> <bR> <bR> <bR> <bR> <bR> <bR> <bR> <bR> <div> <A HREF="id60_m.htm#the_parrot" TARGET="TRLX_Middle" TITLE="Fun"><U><B>The Parrot</B></U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="id60_m.htm#wurks_f_me_tha_knows" TARGET="TRLX_Middle" TITLE="Fun"><U><B>Wurks f'me tha knows!</B></U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="id60_m.htm#the_latest_medical_terminology" TARGET="TRLX_Middle" TITLE="Fun"><U><B>Medical Terminology</B></U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="id60_m.htm#women_bashing" TARGET="TRLX_Middle" TITLE="Fun"><U><B>Women-bashing</B></U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="id60_m.htm#the_diet" TARGET="TRLX_Middle" TITLE="Fun"><U><B>The Diet</B></U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="id60_m.htm#interesting_trivia____" TARGET="TRLX_Middle" TITLE="Fun"><U><B>Interesting Trivia</B></U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="id60_m.htm#technology" TARGET="TRLX_Middle" TITLE="Fun"><U><B>Technology</B></U></A></div> </td> <td valign="top" BGCOLOR="#99CC99" TEXT="#080000"> <div> <FONT SIZE="5" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" ><B>Linda Topliss</B></FONT>    |     <A HREF="index.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Linda Topliss"><U>home</U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="id108.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Training Days"><U>Training Days</U></A>   |   <A HREF="id26.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Profiles"><U>Profiles</U></A>   |   <A HREF="id156.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="The French Connection"><U>The French Connection</U></A>   |   <A HREF="id152.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Demonstrations"><U>Demonstrations</U></A>   |   <A HREF="id48.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="The Otterhound"><U>The Otterhound</U></A>   |   <A HREF="id31.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Training Tips"><U>Training Tips</U></A>   |   <A HREF="id58.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Top Dogs"><U>Top Dogs</U></A>   |   <A HREF="id46.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="The Diary"><U>The Diary</U></A>   |   <A HREF="id50.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Poetry Page"><U>Poetry Page</U></A>   |   <A HREF="id33.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Working Trials"><U>Working Trials</U></A>   |   <A HREF="id30.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Whats on"><U>What's on</U></A>   |   <B>Fun</B>   |   <A HREF="id52.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Captions"><U>Captions</U></A>   |   <A HREF="id44.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Notice Board"><U>Notice Board</U></A>   |   <A HREF="id18.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Letters"><U>Letters</U></A>   |   <A HREF="id157.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Switzerland"><U>Switzerland</U></A>   |   <A HREF="id17.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Guestbook"><U>Guestbook</U></A>   |   <A HREF="id55.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Food 4 Thought"><U>Food 4 Thought</U></A>   |   <A HREF="id154.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Ryton on Dunsmore"><U>Ryton on Dunsmore</U></A>   |   <A HREF="id66.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Crufts Photos"><U>Crufts Photos</U></A>   |   <A HREF="id105.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Crufts Story"><U>Crufts Story</U></A>   |   <A HREF="id83.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Crufts Two"><U>Crufts Two</U></A>   |   <A HREF="id54.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Newark Show"><U>Newark Show</U></A>   |   <A HREF="id57.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="All About Dogs"><U>All About Dogs</U></A>   |   <A HREF="id62.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Canine Supporters Charity"><U>Canine Supporters Charity</U></A>   |   <A HREF="id63.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Greyhounds"><U>Greyhounds</U></A>   |   <A HREF="id25.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="My Links"><U>My Links</U></A>   |   <A HREF="id112.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="LDTC"><U>LDTC</U></A></div> <div> Fun</div> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> <B> <A NAME="the_parrot"><IMG BORDER="0" SRC="1x1.gif" HEIGHT="1" ALIGN="bottom" WIDTH="1" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0" ></A></B><B>The Parrot</B></div> <bR> <div> A woman brought a very limp parrot into a veterinary hospital.</div> <bR> <div> As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.</div> <div> After a moment, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry. Polly has passed away."</div> <div> The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure? I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."</div> <div> The vet rolled his eyes, shrugged, turned, and left the room returning a few moments later with beautiful black Labrador. As the bird's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the dead parrot from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.</div> <div> The vet led the dog out but returned a few moments later with a cat.</div> <div> The cat jumped up and also sniffed delicately at the ex-bird. The cat sat back, shook its head, meowed, and ran out of the room.</div> <div> The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry; but like I said, your parrot is most definitely, 100 percent, certifiably dead”. He then turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman.</div> <div> The parrot's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£150!" she cried. "£150 just to tell me my bird is dead?"</div> <div> The vet shrugged. "If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would only have been £20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, what did you expect?</div> <bR> <div> <I><B>Elisabeth Warrior</B></I></div> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> <IMG SRC="1278e040.gif" border=0 width="398" height="4" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></div> <bR> <div> <B> <A NAME="wurks_f_me_tha_knows"><IMG BORDER="0" SRC="1x1.gif" HEIGHT="1" ALIGN="bottom" WIDTH="1" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0" ></A></B><B>Wurks f'me tha knows!</B></div> <div>  </div> <div>  </div> <div> <B>It's Grim Up North!</B></div> <div> <B>R</B><FONT SIZE="2" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" >elocating in Northern England is good for business; lots of the starving unemployed eager to work for a pittance of pay and daring not to complain or they'll be out on the street with their dozens of screaming bairns, and their benefits cut for six months.</FONT></div> <div> ·<FONT SIZE="1" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" >        </FONT><FONT SIZE="2" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" >But are you really getting the most from them? </FONT></div> <div> ·<FONT SIZE="1" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" >        </FONT><FONT SIZE="2" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" >Are they 'as much use as a chocolate teapot' when it comes to the complexities of modern technology? </FONT></div> <div> Research has shown that Northerners <B>aren't as thick as they make out</B>. They just can't grasp the meaning of modern English. </div> <div> That's why you need our <B>new</B> software package . . . </div> <div> <IMG SRC="45131330.png" border=0 width="49" height="51" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"><FONT SIZE="6" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" ><B>Word for Northerners!</B></FONT></div> <div> The installation process automatically modifies their Windows start button <IMG SRC="4523b190.png" border=0 width="59" height="25" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></div> <div> All the usual Word menu options are there, but in a language your Northern England employees can understand</div> <div> <IMG SRC="45a0d3b0.gif" border=0 width="269" height="315" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></div> <div>  </div> <div> Even the warning messages have changed</div> <div> <IMG SRC="45b736c0.gif" border=0 width="371" height="108" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></div> <div> And if all else fails, they will have a help facility that folks from Barnsley and Bradford can understand</div> <div> <IMG SRC="455ab9e0.png" border=0 width="171" height="158" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></div> <div> So what are you waiting for? Me to go to the foot of our stair?!</div> <div> <B><IMG SRC="45131330.png" border=0 width="49" height="51" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">Buy your employees Northern Word today, and see your profits rise! </B></div> <div> For <B>this month only</B> we'll ship Northern Word to you for the incredibly daft price of</div> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> <B>Only £59.99 +VAT ! </B></div> <div> Tha'd 'ave t'be soft in t'head not to say "Aye, champion!"</div> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> <B>And that's not all!</B></div> <div> Respond to this advert within 10 days and receive free:</div> <div> <B>Great New Translating Tool! </B></div> <div> With this little beauty you can have your employees type in their own language:</div> <div> <TABLE BORDER="2" CELLPADDING="1" CELLSPACING="1" WIDTH="396" BORDERCOLORLIGHT="#C0C0C0" BORDERCOLORDARK="#808080" FRAME="BOX" RULES="NONE" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0" > <tR> <tD VALIGN=CENTER BGCOLOR=#FFFFFF HEIGHT= 280 WIDTH="386"><div> Ow do youth, 'ows tha bin? </div> <div> A mun tell thee that t'clever sods 'ere at Hardwick and Granville 'ave cum oop wi this reet grand gubbins wot can 'elp thee a treet. </div> <div> Its sorta like this great whopping oojah wi' flashing lights an' knobs on an' all wot can do thee addin up faster than thar can spit on a whippet. An' that's saying summat!</div> <div> If tha wants a skeg then get thee arse over t' Wool Exchange on Mundy where wil be showing t'bugga off. </div> <div> If thars a jammy sod then 'appen thar'l even win a prize, so who sez tha dunt get owt for nowt in this world?!</div> <div> Ah'll sithee then youth,</div> <bR> <div> John Northerner</div> <div> Bloke wot does t'marketing</div> </tD> </tR> </TABLE></div> <div> <IMG SRC="45c833d0.gif" border=0 width="387" height="317" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></div> <div> At a touch of a key Northern Word can convert it into <B>proper English</B>. </div> <div>  </div> <div> Et Voilà!</div> <div> <TABLE BORDER="2" CELLPADDING="1" CELLSPACING="1" WIDTH="457" BORDERCOLORLIGHT="#C0C0C0" BORDERCOLORDARK="#808080" FRAME="BOX" RULES="NONE" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0" > <tR> <tD VALIGN=CENTER BGCOLOR=#FFFFFF HEIGHT= 152 ><NOBR><div> Dear Mr Customer, </div> <div> Announcing the new Accounts software from H&G Systems Ltd!</div> <div> Come along to our stand at the NEC this Monday and see it for yourself!</div> <div> Enter your business card into the lucky draw for a chance to win a great prize!</div> <div> Hope to see you there,</div> <div> John Southerner</div> <div> Marketing Executive</div> </NOBR></tD> </tR> </TABLE></div> <div>  </div> <div> With this piece of clever software your customers <B>need never even know</B> that you are exploiting a demoralised workforce of ex-miners and ex-shipyard welders desperate to work for your pitiful barely legal wages! </div> <div> And<B> you'll </B>make a killing!</div> <div> For further details, e-mail <FONT SIZE="2" COLOR="#0000FF" FACE="Arial" ><A HREF="mailto:andie@coolbrigantia.com" TARGET="_top" TITLE="mailto:andie@coolbrigantia.com"><U><U>northernword@patronisingmanagers.com</U></U></A></FONT></div> <div> Testimonial</div> <div> But don't just take our word for it. </div> <div> Here are some of the great things people have been sayimg about Northern Word:</div> <div> "Before we installed Northern Word onto the PC's of all our journalists, no-one outside of the West Riding of Yorkshire would buy our paper. Now even Saath Landoners can understand it!" <I>Editor, Telegraph & Argus</I></div> <div> "Thank you for creating such an excellent product! Now my employees can use Northern Word to write out their CV's, as I am making them all redundant next week!" <I>Manager, B*stard & Greedy Ltd</I></div> <div> "Phew, what a God-send! Now I can dismiss all the monkeys working in our typing pool, and employ Northerners instead at a much cheaper rate!" <I>N.Other Manager, Screwthepoor & Sons</I></div> <div> "Is't tha tekking p*ss or summat? Ah'll come ovar there and give thee such a clout that <cut>" <I>Fred Hardwhaite, Northerner</I></div> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> <B>Don't delay!</B></div> <div> <B>Buy Northern Word Today!</B></div> <div> <IMG SRC="45131330.png" border=0 width="49" height="51" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></div> <div>  </div> <div> <I><B>Peter Purves </B></I></div> <bR> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> <IMG SRC="1278e040.gif" border=0 width="398" height="4" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></div> <bR> <bR> <bR> <div> <B> <A NAME="the_latest_medical_terminology"><IMG BORDER="0" SRC="1x1.gif" HEIGHT="1" ALIGN="bottom" WIDTH="1" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0" ></A></B><B>The latest medical terminology!</B></div> <bR> <div> Artery - The Study of paintings</div> <div> Bacteria - Back door to the cafeteria</div> <div> Barium - What you do when CPR fails</div> <div> Benign - What you be after you be eight</div> <div> Bowel - A letter like A, E, I, O, U, and sometimes Y</div> <div> Caesarean Section - A neighborhood near Rome</div> <div> Cat Scan - Searching for Kitty</div> <div> Cat Scan - What dogs do when they enter your yard</div> <div> Cauterize - Made eye contact with the nurse</div> <div> Colic - A Sheep Dog</div> <div> Coma - A punctuation mark</div> <div> Congenital - Friendly</div> <div> D&C - Where Washington is located</div> <div> Dilate - To live long</div> <div> Enema - Not a friend</div> <div> GI Series - Baseball between teams of soldiers</div> <div> Grippe - A Suitcase</div> <div> Hangnail - A coat hook</div> <div> Impotent - Distinguished, well known</div> <div> Labor Pain - Getting hurt at work</div> <div> Medical Staff - A Doctor's cane</div> <div> Morbid - A higher offer</div> <div> Nitrate - Cheaper than the day rate</div> <div> Node - Was aware of</div> <div> Outpatient - A person who has fainted</div> <div> Pelvis - Cousin to Elvis</div> <div> Post-operative - A letter carrier</div> <div> Protein - In favor of young people</div> <div> Recovery Room - Where you have your upholstery done</div> <div> Rectum - Darn near killed him</div> <div> Rheumatic Fever - Amorous feeling</div> <div> Secretion - Hiding anything</div> <div> Seizure - A Roman emperor</div> <div> Tablet - A small table</div> <div> Terminal Illness - Sick at the airport</div> <div> Tibia - North African country</div> <div> Tumor - An extra pair</div> <div> Urine - Opposite of you're out</div> <div> Varicose Veins - Veins which are very close together </div> <bR> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> <IMG SRC="1278e040.gif" border=0 width="398" height="4" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></div> <bR> <div> <B> <A NAME="women_bashing"><IMG BORDER="0" SRC="1x1.gif" HEIGHT="1" ALIGN="bottom" WIDTH="1" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0" ></A></B><B>Women-bashing</B></div> <bR> <div> A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" </div> <div> The blonde said "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" </div> <bR> <div> The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch." </div> <bR> <div> A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. </div> <bR> <div> "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."</div> <bR> <bR> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> <IMG SRC="1278e040.gif" border=0 width="398" height="4" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></div> <bR> <bR> <div> <B> <A NAME="the_diet"><IMG BORDER="0" SRC="1x1.gif" HEIGHT="1" ALIGN="bottom" WIDTH="1" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0" ></A></B><B>The Diet</B></div> <bR> <div> A woman was terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."</div> <bR> <div> When the woman returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.</div> <div> "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?" </div> <div> The woman nodded. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."</div> <div> "From hunger, you mean?"</div> <div> "No, from skipping."</div> <bR> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> <IMG SRC="1278e040.gif" border=0 width="398" height="4" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></div> <bR> <div> <B> <A NAME="interesting_trivia____"><IMG BORDER="0" SRC="1x1.gif" HEIGHT="1" ALIGN="bottom" WIDTH="1" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0" ></A></B><B>Interesting trivia ...</B></div> <bR> <div> In Cleveland, Ohio, it's illegal to catch mice without a hunting license. </div> <bR> <div> Dr. Seuss coined the word "nerd" in his 1950 book "If I Ran the Zoo"</div> <bR> <div> It takes 3,000 cows to supply the NFL with enough leather for a year's supply of footballs. </div> <bR> <div> Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married. </div> <bR> <div> There are an average of 178 sesame seeds on a McDonald's Big Mac bun. </div> <bR> <div> The world's termites outweigh the world's humans 10 to 1. </div> <bR> <div> Pound for pound, hamburgers cost more than new cars. </div> <bR> <div> The 3 most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca-Cola, and Budweiser, in that order. </div> <bR> <div> When Heinz ketchup leaves the bottle, it travels at a rate of 25 miles per year. </div> <bR> <div> It's possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs. </div> <bR> <div> The Bible has been translated into Klingon. </div> <bR> <div> Humans are the only primates that don't have pigment in the palms of their hands. </div> <bR> <div> Ten percent of the Russian government's income comes from the sale of vodka. </div> <bR> <div> Ninety percent of New York City cabbies are recently arrived immigrants. </div> <bR> <div> On average, 100 people choke to death on ballpoint pens every year. </div> <bR> <div> In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all the world's nuclear weapons combined. </div> <bR> <div> Average age of top GM executives in 1994: 49.8 years. Average age of the Rolling Stones: 50.6. </div> <bR> <div> Elephants can't jump. Every other mammal can. </div> <bR> <div> The cigarette lighter was invented before the match. </div> <bR> <div> Internationally, Baywatch is the most popular TV show in history. </div> <bR> <bR> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> <IMG SRC="1278e040.gif" border=0 width="398" height="4" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></div> <bR> <div> <B> <A NAME="technology"><IMG BORDER="0" SRC="1x1.gif" HEIGHT="1" ALIGN="bottom" WIDTH="1" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0" ></A></B><B>Technology</B></div> <bR> <div> <IMG SRC="1ea40ca0.png" border=0 width="576" height="1994" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></div> <div>  <script language="JavaScript1.2">  </script> <p align="center"><font face="Arial" size="-2"> DHTML script provided by<br> <a href="http://www.dvproductions.co.uk">Fullforce</a></font></p>  </div> </td> </tr></table></body>